Using the power of Emotional Intelligence
In the second of her series of blogs for us Dr Ros Simpson explains what is involved in 'Emotional Logic' for chaplains https://www.emotionallogiccentre.org.uk/
'Having worked as a Christian GP for my career and in the last 7 years, by running Dementia Services for Caraway, a Christian charity in Southampton, I have seen that peoples’ problems are rarely straightforward.
I needed to see their problems through their experiences in life, through their emotional reactions and through hearing what is important to them. I saw that helping people come to an understanding of their situation and taking it into account helped them decide what to do, and to see what is needed for healing of relationships, better communication, finding forgiveness or making difficult changes in their life.
These emotions, difficulties, and decisions may all be seen through the lens of their faith values. You grieve if you lose something of value to yourself and I tried to help people get out of being stuck so they could more clearly see what to do next or how to be different in the future.
I would like to share a way that chaplains can become more aware of emotional reactions and how to help people with them. Being emotionally intelligent is really helpful in life. You learn it as you go through life and through training. Research shows that only 36% of people worldwide are emotionally intelligent. (1)
The skills are recognising emotions, labelling emotions, regulating their effects and managing negative emotions. When we lose something that is valuable to us, including relational, social and spiritual values, we grieve.
Emotional Logic (EL) is a model of managing your emotions in a multiple loss situation. It is a practical way of understanding your emotions and making best use of them to cope. It helps someone become stronger and more emotionally resilient, able to plan ahead, make good decisions, while taking into account others’ needs compassionately.
EL was devised by doctors and recognises that you only grieve if you have loved, and that experiencing strong emotions is part of normal life.
The picture below shows the normal process when a setback occurs in life. After feeling shock the other grief emotions - anger, guilt, denial and depression – also occur and you can find yourself stuck in them. When you are ready, making a change to accept something or to bargain back some of what has been lost occurs, you feel better and become stronger. Now you have a process to go through each time a setback occurs. It helps!
It is not well appreciated that emotions are physical, they give our bodies physical cues that we are shocked, angry, depressed and so on. Recognising the way emotions make us feel helps us identify their purpose, and all emotions have a purpose.
For example, shock can tell us that we are doubting our resources and need to find a safe place or safe people. Guilt tells us that we may have done wrong, and how could we do things differently in the future? Denial is when we ignore what we are feeling so as to cope with a more important situation. Anger gives us energy to take action to recover what was lost and depression says we have reached our limit just now and need to take stock. So, you can see that to be stuck in an emotion, or a mixed emotions situation, is confusing.
You can see Jesus’ emotions clearly in the Bible. When He heard about his cousin, John the Baptist’s death, He was shocked and went to a safe place, up a mountain to talk to God. But He was followed by the crowd and put the shock into denial so he could feed 5000 people and heal many. After that, He again went back to His Father in prayer to gain clarity to go forward. Matthew 14: 17b-23.
Emotional Logic helps a person of any age understand their emotions, and learn how to acknowledge them but not become them.
Emotional Logic teaches us about bargaining and communication skills. We learn that passive bargaining can feel manipulative, that aggressive bargaining or communication can feel bullying, and that regardless of the emotion of the other person, an assertive type of communication and bargaining is needed. One helpful action towards acceptance or recovering something that was lost helps one feel joy again.
This cycle repeats with each setback or loss.
To learn more about Emotional Logic, for a mere £10 you can purchase an introductory online course that will explain it much better than I can!'
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